u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
