Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sex in the backyard? Check.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
