Yo dont text me then not text me
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
