he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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