A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
40s are totally the cure
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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