maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
