I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
