worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My penis needs a shock collar
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
