And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
