Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
