2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
