I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
