first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
3 2 1 whiskey
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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