Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
