I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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