He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
