I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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