i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
