So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
