How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
