I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
