i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
