i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
