i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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