Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
accomplished twins. life is a go
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
