made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
