If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
