shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
