Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
