You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
That's how pantless uber rides happen
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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