He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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