my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
