Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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