I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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