Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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