Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
