Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
