Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
