I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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