she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
