Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
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That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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