And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
