the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
