Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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