I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
