i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
