Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
