I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I enjoy the company of your penis
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
