"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
