Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
