Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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