You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
