my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
