He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
