shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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