I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
