i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
