I wish you could order shots online.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober